Response to Final Draft Comments

The comments that Ms. Scott provided were very helpful. First of all they assured me that I was on the right track, which was a relief. They also brought to light some things that I hadn't thought of and that my peers have not commented on yet. They include....

1) The connotation of the word service-learning. When I referred to service-learning I meant to refer to service as a whole, not just in the classroom. Ms. Scott told me to use a broader term known as "servant leadership". I also have to work on actually defining and specifically stating my definition of service for this particular essay.

2) The generalization of my essay. After reading the comments I realized that my arguments were based on broad concepts and not on specific examples from the community. I think I need to work on taking specific instances to make my arguments stronger.

3) That my introduction and conclusions were sort of contradictory. I did not mean to establish a point of community and continue on to discuss the importance of one leader. I meant to describe the derivation of many leaders out of one community. I need to further explain this, again, with more examples.

Ultimately, I think I need to work on taking specific issues to support my arguments instead of basing them on broad generalizations.

Peer Revisions

The revisions for my essay really helped when working toward a final piece. They made me realize that I didn't have a clear point in my essay. I was jumping around between three different topics and I never really related them together. I just assumed that people could see the connection. I can fix this by working on my transitions between paragraphs. I need to explain myself more and how I get from one topic to the next.

Before I discussed that the risk I was taking was that the beginning of my essay was completely different from the end. I failed to correctly do this on final draft, but I now think I know what I have to do. I need to add cohesion to my essay by explaining the relationship of each and every one of my topics. Additionally, I also need to work on some grammitcal errors and specific structural issues in my sentences. I saw the some of them seemed completely illogical, but made sense while I was writing them.

Over all the advice was really helpful and I am using all of it!

Group Work

I have been assured by my group that the constant evolving in my essay is actually good. The essay starts out really broad then ends at a very specific point. I was worried about this before but now I can see how it will work.

Revisions

I am currently revising my "shitty first draft", and i've decided that the part that i need to work most on are my transitions. I have my ideas out there, I just need to sort them out. Right now it's just a bunch of jumbled thoughts on my paper, and I'm attempting to make it a little more organized so it makes sense to the audience.

I think the biggest risk I am taking now is that my essay constantly evolves from begining to end. The idea I present in the introduction completely shifts and changes in the conclusion. Not only are the arguments different but the topic shift a little as well. Hopefully it'll work out! Also my community isn't brought up as much in my essay

Essay Reread

After reading the two pieces on blackboard about essays, I think I may have grasped what an essay actually is. However, as described in Encountering the Essay there is "no satisfactory definition can be arrived at" on account of an essay. An essay is simply a reflection of ones ideas. It is comprised from a motivated author to convey their point. There is not an actual structure that someone must follow to ensure they have written an essay, but rather a reflection of ones own persona. The structure of each essay is unique and it is the authors job to create their own structue, formal or informal, to convey their ideas. An essay is created solely for the purpose of the author to express their opinions, and the reader must follow along. There are so many categories that an essay can cover so long as it is "personal, reflective, and leisurely.

Additionally, according to "Essayists on the Essay" the essay is simply nothing but opinion and observation. If you think about it this statement actually has a lot of truth in it. The writer goes out and observes something then thinks about a topic that relates to it that he/she can write about. They then develop an opinion on it and create a discussion. Essays are not judged on how well they are written, but rather how much passion about the subject the author has. With great passion comes great writing as an ideal essay is written by a person who "cares about what he or she's writing about".

After reading these two articles and going back and reading the blog a wrote about essays last week, I can say that my definition and outlook of an essay has completely changed. Before I wrote about the structure of an essay and its frivilous descriptions. However, now I realize that an actual essay doesn't need structure. It just needs a purpose, opinion, audience, and a truly passionate author.

Audience and Purpose

Audience: Students interested in Service learning, students who are leaders and involved in leadership activities on campus, and heads of leadership groups.

Purpose: Discussion of whether people are born leaders or if they have to practice leadership through service learning to become leaders.

I think my essay needs to be pretty formal because I am attempting to discuss an argument. I will start with an intro to my community and where it is derived from, as well as discuss service learning and how it is related to leadership as a whole at Virginia Tech. I will then go in to discuss both sides of the argument and sort of come to a conclusion.

RESEARCH PROPOSAL

I just got back my research proposal response and it was really really helpful. There were things that she pointed out that I didn't even realize or think to realize. Because I already knew so much about the topic I just assumed that others would as well. I think I need to make some more clarifications when I talk about linking service learning to leadership. I also need to explain myself without jumping to conclusion. Ms. Scott also brought up a good point about my organization, after rereading it I realized rearranging some stuff my make things more clear for the reader. Lastly, grammer. I am horrible at grammer and need to look at that once again.

I finally got an e-mail back from the person I interviewed with my second round of questions. I found out how much money the program needed exactly, and what specifically the money will go towards. I am going to incorporate this information into my research proposal soon!

ESSAYS

The Stunt Pilot by Annie Dillard is considered an essay wholely due to its ability to grasp the audience's attention and successfully keep it throughout the entire essay through minuet details that cater to different senses. It covers the natural anticipation of a human by setting a stage before the planes take off. She states that after the announcer had been "squawking all day", "now he quit", "the crowd stilled", and "children watched dumbstruck". As each line builds to create a picture of anticipation in everyone's minds in the scene, the reader becomes entranced as well. The author also combines words that unconventionally speak the truth in order to adhere to the reader's passionate side, as the scene was surrounded by "pure energy and naked spirit". As the writer describes these wonderful, adrenaline-filling emotions the reader can't help but to relate to these ideas. Lastly, the author surfaces such small details as if the audience were a passenger in the plane. She says that their "faces and internal organs trailed pressingly behind on the curves.
Gay Talese's Ali in Havana is an "essay" because of its incredible characterization. It is not simply characterization of each figure but rather a description of their relationship in proximity to the main character, Muhammad Ali, encompassed within the characterization. In addition, to justly decribing their looks, the author also chooses to include their mannerisms as Ali had shaky hands from "Parkinson's syndrome", and thus moved "quite slow". Talese then goes on to describe Yolanda, his wife, as a "large" and "pretty woman", but also slips in the fact that she "converted to Islam from Catholicism when she married Ali". Describing her in terms of Ali puts a bigger specturm on the story, as well as interconnects everything to the main idea for the audience. Gay does this again when describing Ali's first wife, Fraymari, as "barely higher than the midsection of his (Ali's) embroidered guayabera".

More Information

While I was writing my research proposal and such, I found that I needed much more material from what I gathered from my interview. I actually found that my interview was the most useful piece of information I had compared to the research I gathered from the library. It was based more on community service at Tech rather than nation-wide, which was very helpful. But after writing the proposal I found that I needed more information about how the program was funded and other stuff I didn't think of including in the interview. I e-mailed the person I interviewed about 3 days ago with questions I had, and hopefully she will respond soon.